Hey guys (and gals!) - to appreciate this one, you gotta read on…. it’s from a spammer to me - touting for business - I promise it will be worth the scrolling down (if we share the same warped sense of humour!!!!)
Hi,
Please let me take this opportunity to introduce myself, I am Harika, Business Development Manager for Trizeon, a professional Search Engine Optimization Company. The company has focus in following areas:
Web Page Optimization Competitor Analysis Keyword Research
URL Submissions (Search Engine Submissions & Web Directory Submissions)
I would appreciate if you can help me through the process of becoming your preferred website (business) promoter & I will be glad to serve you in the best possible way. We have a 24 hours dedicated team to co-ordinate for any given work to ensure that we serve your need in thedesired time frame.
I have provided prompt service to all my customer who believed us on our services and can show you the samples which I have done for them. Please request our company’s PPT to the below given email address.
We would be privileged to have you as our client, who gives us an opportunity to extend our services as we look forward for having a long-term mutually beneficial relationship with your esteemed organization.
I look forward to work with you. Please add harika@trizeon.com to your service providers list.
we are a professional SEO company based in India. we can provide entire SEO/SEM services for the websites you design, and bring them top on the search engines for their specific search terms. In the process, you can share substantial revenues with us without working at all.
You need not work more nor invest for it. All you have to do is to talk just a minute to the people whom you have already been providing services (designing websites) and convince them.
In short - we will work and you will share revenues with us.
Isn’t that great?
We have a proven track record of providing unmatched services to our clients. We would be happy to provide you with our existing client references which can prove Trizeon’s reliability, professionalism and quality of work upon your request. We would like to work closely with you in creating more business both for you and for us and create a win-win situation.
Looking forward for a positive reply from you.
Thanking you for your valuable time.
Harika
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Hi
That sounds brilliant - we have plus minus 200 clients and we are about to embark on a search engine marketing drive for them.
If you can let me know what your company does, then we can maybe do business together.
Many thanks for your prompt reply
Matt
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we provide entire SEO services right from website analysis, keyword research to attaining top positions for the websites on search engines like google, yahoo, msn.
The entire work will be done by us.
Once your clients agree to seek SEO services, we will take up the task and start optimizing the websites.
Your core work would be just talking to your clients and get business.
Rest of the work would be done by us.
Please let me know if you need any further clarification
Thank you
Harika
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Hi Harika,
Thanks for the email - sounds good.
We want to embark on a search engine marketing drive for our plus minus 200 clients.
If you can let me know what your company does apart from ‘SEO services’ - all we need is the search engine positioning on stuff like Goggle, MSN and Yahoo (that’s what are clients are asking for).
If you can let me know exactly what your company offers, then we can look at doing business.
Thanks again for your time.
Matt Wilkes
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we can certainly provide search engine positioning for your client’s website on Google, Yahoo and MSN; ( positioning on the first page of Google, yahoo, MSN)
In fact, we are specialized in the same field (search engine
marketing) and I am trying to convey you the same; you can undoubtedly rely on us in this regard.
After going through your mails, I can say that we are exactly the same service providers that you are looking for.
Please let me know if you need any further clarification
Thank You
Harika
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Hi Harika,
Thanks for the email - sounds good.
We want to embark on a search engine marketing drive for our plus minus 200 clients.
If you can let me know what your company does apart from ‘SEO services’ - all we need is the search engine positioning on stuff like Goggle, MSN and Yahoo (that’s what are clients are asking for).
If you can let me know exactly what your company offers, then we can look at doing business.
Thanks again for your time.
Matt Wilkes
————————————————————
If you want to more about the search engine marketing strategies that we employ,then let me tell you about them.
The following are some of SEM strategies that we follow other than submitting a website to search engines and web directories:
1.Internet press releases
2. Article creation and submission
3. Blog creation, submissions and commenting 4. Forum creation and commenting 5. Social bookmarking 6. Social media optimization 7. Video marketing 8. Photo marketing 9. PPT marketing 10. Email marketing 11. profile creation in popular websites
we even employ many more strategies depending upon the competition and time frame.
please let me know if you need any more information or clarification.
Thank you
Harika
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Hello Matthew,
How are you doing? We are eagerly waiting for your reply.
Please let me know if you need any further clarification on our services.
Thanks,
Harika.
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Hi Harkia,
Thanks a million for all your time. Definitely we can do business - I even had another enquiry today for search engine positioning from another UK company.
If you can explain exactly what it is you offer and how much it will cost, we can move forward.
Very best regards
Matt Wilkes
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Thank you for your prompt response,
we can provide entire services to promote a business website.
we can provide top positioning for the keywords (search terms) that your clients are looking for. As I had said yesterday, we are skilled and execute several strategies to achieve top search engine positioning for the specific search terms that your clients are looking for.
And if your clients are not aware of the right keywords/phrases in their specific business segment, we can help even in this regard.
To be more clear - our work starts with an effective market research.
we research and find out what keywords are being used by the customers to reach the client’s products or services; and based on the research we provide the clients with more precise and relevant keywords/phrases. (of course it is left to clients to use such keywords or not)
Then we plan out a strategy to bring the client’s website on to the top results on the first page of yahoo, Google and MSN for that specific search terms.
And if the clients insist on working on the keywords that they had chosen, we even work on them.
Depending upon the competition for the keywords on search engines, we employ various strategies to derive results as early as possible. some of the strategies that we use had been mentioned by me yesterday.
And regarding pricing - we are interested in entering into a long-term business relationship with you, so the pricing would be much lesser when compared to the service providers in your place. Even you can come out with a specific figure, we welcome that.
Please find the attachment for the work process that we usually follow.
Please let me know if you need any further information or clarification.
Thank you
Harika
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Hi Matt,
Hope you are cleared with the services which we are offering you…
If you need any clarifications regarding our services then we are here to help you out.
We are waiting for your reply.
Thank You,
Harika.
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Fantastic.
All I need is some prices from you now.
We have 200 or so clients who are ALL looking for just this.
Do you do the positioning for Google also? this is one of the biggest these days - even bigger than AltaVista (though maybe not Yahoo or MNS - but I know it’s getting there)
Thanks again for your time - let me know some prices and I can sell your things and maybe make a few bucks myself.
I would need you to sign an NDA so you don’t steal my clients if I tell you who they are - but then we can take it from there.
What is your web site address so I can find out more about your companies.
Many thanks
Matt
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Hi Harika
If you can just let me know more about exactly what you do, then I am sure we can do business.
I have one customer who needs the following search phrases - at present they are just coming up with Wickipedian entries and they need to be on the front page as it is apparently very big business.
Can you give me a rough estinate how much the following will cost to get them on the front page for Goggle and MSN for these words:-
1. Weapons Grade Uranium
2. Weapons Grade Plutonium
3. WMD Supplies
4. Chemical Warfare
5. Chemical Warfare Supplies
6. Radio Scramblers
7. Phone Scramblers
8. Undetectable Radio Control Transmitters
9. Undetectable Radio Control Receivers
10. Undetectable Radio Control Devices
The other company is looking for these phrases:-
1. Cheese cake recipe
2. Cheap vegetables
3. Cheap vegetable recipes
4. Cheese and vegetable cake recipies
5. Birmingham Restaurant
6. Dudley Restaurant
7. Indian Food Midlands
8. Indian Cheese Cakes
9. Decordating Indian Cheese and Vegetable Cakes
10. Healthy and Cheap Cakes
Thanks a million - if we can get in Google and MNS for these phrases I know the people will want to be interested and probably pay us for our work which is what it’s all about.
I can put you in touch with the people but I don’t wants you to steal the business from me, so I would rather be the point of contact and you can then deal with me and if they pay me I can then pay you.
Do you accept pounds sterling and US Dollars? I had a client who wanted only to pay in euros or rupees but I believe these are no good currencies - I told him “I would soon have Zim dollars” LOL - heheh - I can be a comedian sometines - get it? Zim dollars? They are the weak currency, even weaker than the euro because of Robert Mandela being the president there and making everyones lifes so unbareable.
Listen Harri - let me know about the search words. I have one other people who can supply, just want to know you prices forst.
Let me know my brother.
Cheers
Matt
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Hi agan
Sorry to be a painful one,
Can you just drop me a quick fax or email and let me know EXACTLY what your company does, and then we can take if from there.
Very best regards, and much respect my brother,
Matt
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Hey - it went a bit dead after that……… these guys have no sense of humour !!!!! EISH !!!
It turns out that there’s a scientific and logical explanation for why people (mostly men) spend so much time in pubs and only get home in the early hours of the morning.
The reason for this odd behaviour is based on Einstein’s famous Relativity Theory.
It works like this: it is a well known fact that the more you drink, the faster you move. After about 8 beers (or 4 double brandies & coke, etc), you’re moving at close to the speed of light, and this is where Einstein enters the picture.
According to his Relativity Theory, any body moving at, or close to the speed of light, undergoes Time Dilation, i.e. time for you in the pub passes slower than for an observer outside the pub.
Complicated calculations have shown that the pub becomes a type of time machine:- for every half-hour spent inside the pub, something like two hours pass outside the pub.
A typical situation is: “OK guys, it’s 8 O’clock, I’m gonna surprise the family and get home early!!” However, the moment this person steps outside the pub, the time travel effect is negated by negative radiation from the environment, and he/she then goes: “WTF??!!?? - why is it so quiet?? Holy shit!!! It’s half past one!! WHAT HAPPENED???!!??” …..and the answer, of course, is Time Dilation!!
I’ve tried to explain this to outside observers, but so far nobody (except fellow time travellers) has been able or willing to understand the sound scientific basis of this phenomenon.
Please forward this to all your known time travellers - maybe we can prove this theory by sheer, overwhelming force of numbers.
If HMV is anything to go by, the VIVA the PIRATES !!!!
I am a Jules Holland fan - I paid for and downloaded five tracks;
Blue Guitar
Don’t Need No Job
June Rose Lane
I’m In The Mood For Love
The Way You Look Tonight
I paid for the tracks from the HMV site and they worked to start with, albeit via some license thing I had to install.
I’ve got Windows Media Player
I’ve got WinAmp
Everything was fine.
But now, six months down the track - nothing works - it says I have to have a licence - I should restore the license - I got the licence backed up - but when I go through the steps to ‘restore’ the licence (not that I should have to restore anything, as it’s all on the same old PC) - it won’t let me.
Guys - legal music sucks !!!
I’ve paid for my download of Jules Holland “The Way You Look Tonight” - it was a duet with Sam Brown - and it doesn’t work.
If I had done it illegally it would be fine, and I would be listening to it now.
Next? I’m going to look for a download on LimeWire or one of the other sites and download it ILLEGALLY - and guess what? - it will work.
Viva Music Piracy!!!!
(and if FAST or the CIA or the FBI want to come and pursue me to Mossel Bay, they can find me in Patricks - but guys, you best send someone either brave or stupid - and make sure they don’t come with tupperware Glocks- because this is Africa, and the guys here aren’t that ‘America Friendly’ OK?)
First off - I got the factual info of the next three paragraphs from here: http://www.pictureframes.co.uk/pages/saint_valentine.htm - that’s the copyright stuff over with, so read on….
There are varying opinions as to the origin of Valentine’s Day. Some experts state that it originated from St. Valentine, a Roman who was martyred for refusing to give up Christianity. He died on February 14, 269 A.D., the same day that had been devoted to love lotteries. Legend also says that St. Valentine left a farewell note for the jailer’s daughter, who had become his friend, and signed it “From Your Valentine”. Other aspects of the story say that Saint Valentine served as a priest at the temple during the reign of Emperor Claudius. Claudius then had Valentine jailed for defying him. In 496 A.D. Pope Gelasius set aside February 14 to honour St. Valentine.
Gradually, February 14 became the date for exchanging love messages and St. Valentine became the patron saint of lovers. The date was marked by sending poems and simple gifts such as flowers. There was often a social gathering or a ball.
In the United States, Miss Esther Howland is given credit for sending the first valentine cards. Commercial valentines were introduced in the 1800’s and now the date is very commercialised. The town of Loveland, Colorado, does a large post office business around February 14. The spirit of good continues as valentines are sent out with sentimental verses and children exchange valentine cards at school.
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Ok - nitty gritty
Valentine’s day.
Question: Is it important to anyone over the age of 14 ?
Answer: Nope…. unless you’re female
and guys, that means if you’re married or attached, it better be important to you too as I have found out in years gone by.
It also depends on your spouse - One friend of mine told me his wife didn’t like him to buy her flowers as they were a waste of money - tell you what, here’s the acid test mate - try buying her an ironing board with a red ribbon tied around it on Feb 14th and see what happens
Anyway, nothing wrong with romance - and nothing wrong with making your woman feel special - heck, they are special - and if you look in the dictionary, “special” is a great word to describe them.
Here are two examples straight from the texts…
a) Having a limited or specific function, application, or scope
b) Arranged for a particular occasion or purpose
Well a) cleaning, ironing and cooking - those are specific functions and applications and b) particular occasion and purpose - Valentines day, clean sheets, soft bed and hard… day’s night?
You get the picture.
We all got our place in life - sorry for the sarcasm - Happy Valentines day.
Make it about you and the missus - not the dollaz !!!! - that’s what I’m going to try and do.
Make it about Romance - women love it - and maybe you will too.
Have a good one - and if you’re going to spend a lot on your loved one this weekend, make it time and not money - it’s worth a lot more and it’s the best investment you’ll ever make !!!
Matt Wilkes: is it to do with animals or anything?
Jagadeep: No, ours is a software developmengt company
Jagadeep: and im the business development manager
Matt Wilkes: Ah - I have some software companies also
Matt Wilkes: that is a co-incidence.
Matt Wilkes: Where do you know me from ?
Jagadeep: wow thats great
Jagadeep: i founf in the skype!!
Matt Wilkes: in the sky?
Jagadeep: i have a propsal for you
Jagadeep: skype
Matt Wilkes: hey dude - I’m married - AND I’m a guy.
Jagadeep: even im a guy
Jagadeep: i was talking about
Matt Wilkes: I was just worried when you said about proposing to me.
Matt Wilkes: Sorry
Jagadeep: software development proposal
Matt Wilkes: Ahh - ok thats a relief
Matt Wilkes: what is your software proposal ?
Jagadeep: our comapny developes your projects at very affordable prices
Jagadeep: we have various technologies and developers working
Jagadeep: here
Matt Wilkes: I have offices in UK and South Africa
Jagadeep: oh gud so wat do u think of my proposal
Matt Wilkes: I also own the distillery that makes Russian Beard vodka - have you heard of that?
Jagadeep: hmm not exactly
Matt Wilkes: it’s quite well known here in South Africa (not really anything to do with Russia - but that was the name of the vodka when I bought the company - so why change it!)
Jagadeep: okay that sounds gud
Matt Wilkes: Yeah - very Russian!
Jagadeep: but i want to talk to u about the software department
Matt Wilkes: (African Beard wouldn’t have worked as not THAT many African’s have beards- maybe Smirnoff would, but I think I would have a law suit on my hands before I’d turned the first 3 shipments!!!)
Matt Wilkes: ok shoot
Jagadeep: as i tolod you we have many technologies and developers working with our company in software development
Jagadeep: i have a proposal of developeing your projects at very affordable prices
Jagadeep: u said u have a software company
Matt Wilkes: what are we talking? $ or £ - and where are you based? - would you quote per job or per hour?
Jagadeep: so wat is ur take
Matt Wilkes: I have several software companies
Jagadeep: ya ill tell u
Jagadeep: we are us based company and have development center in india
Jagadeep: and we quote the prices in $ and per hour
Matt Wilkes: (the main company is Wilkes Holdings - you can google if you like - or see www.wilkes.co.za)
Jagadeep: ohh cool i got that
Matt Wilkes: - there’s even a picture of me with Nelson Mandella!!! (I had to donate R2,000,000 to his childrens fund for that honor!!!)
Jagadeep: wow thats great!!!
Matt Wilkes: for the children maybe!
Jagadeep: hmm ya
Matt Wilkes: I could have bought the new Lexus for that AND had some change - but I guess it’s all karma - what goes around comes around
Jagadeep: i give u our site
Jagadeep: www.cattechnologies.com
Matt Wilkes: ok
Matt Wilkes: why cat and not dog – was it a karma-based decision?
Matt Wilkes: (out of interest)
Matt Wilkes: You don’t mention MySQL - but I imagine that goes hand-in-hand with the PHP side
Jagadeep: u can check that for our resources
Matt Wilkes: impressive site I must say.
Jagadeep: oh thanks
Jagadeep: so wat do u think ….
Matt Wilkes: how many permanent staff you have working there? (security is an issue - if it’s all sub-contractors who come and go, it could be a problem)
Matt Wilkes: also would have to sign a heads of agreement and an NDA
Matt Wilkes: but I am interested depending on rates
Jagadeep: here every staff is permanent
Jagadeep: i will provide u with the details of the price in the email
Matt Wilkes: I am still interested in the CAT bit – why an animal? Not a person? – if I were in India maybe I would suggest Krishna technologies or GhandiSoft – something like that (just a suggestion)
Jagadeep: if u can assist me withur emial id
Matt Wilkes: ok. I would maybe be interested in the bespoke jobs side of the company - which Vogue - but we quote on a per-job basis, not per-hour - so if we think it will take 20 man hours and it only takes 10, we score - but if we mess up and it takes 40 hours, we have to take it on the chin
Matt Wilkes: can you quote per job?
Matt Wilkes: (we insist on full spec and scope signed by client, so you could have a copy of this)
Jagadeep: okay i will talk to my project manager regarding this and will get back to you by email
Jagadeep: can u give me ur email address
Matt Wilkes: 1 sec - on phone
Jagadeep: ya okay
Matt Wilkes: that was president bush would you believe. Wants a new web site for his wife Nancy.
Jagadeep: regarding the software
Matt Wilkes: I’m not really the guy to speak to - I head the operation but the helicopter view side, so I always see things from the ground up
Jagadeep: so whom can i talk to
Matt Wilkes: but if you email to my private address I’ll get it forwarded to Graham Patel who is our projects manager for Vogue Bespoke (Pty) Ltd
Jagadeep: oh thats great
Matt Wilkes: send to matthew@wilkes.co.za and I’ll see what you have to say and forward it on
Jagadeep: thank u Matt
Matt Wilkes: make your rates competitve though - the product development division for the whole group is now based in South Africa - so labour is cheap
Jagadeep: ya sure it will be convenient for both of us
Matt Wilkes: good one Jaga
Jagadeep: it was nice talking to u
Jagadeep: hope for further deal
Matt Wilkes: yes you too
Jagadeep: ill be emailing the complete details
Matt Wilkes: thanks, make sure its not complete as it will spoil the surprise later. Where abouts in India - Mumbai ?
Jagadeep: no Hyderabad and thats gud u are aware of the cities
Jagadeep: in India
Matt Wilkes: I have a lot of Indian friends from India
Jagadeep: wow thats great!!
Matt Wilkes: (I’m also a big Bollywood fan - but that’s another story !!!)
Jagadeep: ohhh really interesting
Matt Wilkes: anyway got do dash – theres a new film just starting on Curry T.V. (our Bollywood channel here in S.A.)
Jagadeep: yes sure thanks Matt have a gud day!!
Matt Wilkes: you too. Talk later. I will email you the film and you can maybe watch with me later.
Jagadeep: hmm ok
Matt Wilkes: before I go, I am looking to bring a new brand of Vodka out, just for the Indian community over here – but it will be spiced with turmeric and cumin etc – if you have any connections or suggestions, please let me know. They are very big drinkers here you know.
Jagadeep: im just software but i can ask for you
Matt Wilkes: That would be GRRRRR8 – I am hungry now so I have to get my wives to prepare a feast quickly and I can go watch this movie. See you soon hopefully.
Jagadeep: great Matt – thank u again.
Matt Wilkes: No worries mucka (that’s a term for friendship in some parts of England)
Forgive me for not cartwheeling down Marsh Street whistling dixie with a star-spangled-banner hat on my head and waving a US flag - but hey, what’s all the fuss about?
What did America ever do for us? - Ok - maybe they invented the hotdog - but it’s no match for a boerewors roll…
Sorry for being a bit down-beat about the whole thing - but it’s been rammed down our throats for the past 3 months - he’s president now - get over it!!!
Bliksem! - there wasn’t even a 7de Laan this evening!!!! - they didn’t even cancel 7de Laan for Nelson Mandella - and Barack was still an itch in his daddy’s panties when old Madiba was in Robben Island…
Rant over - I’m just all Baracked out - let’s see what he can do for the World economy and save the partying until S.A. elects it’s first woman prime minister - it’s gonna happen…. Come on Winnie
I don’t think so - unless you get one pointed at you, or worse still, shot at by one.
But as the old saying goes, “guns don’t kill people”…. or what was it now? …. “guns don’t kill people, people do?” … or was it “bullets do?” … or “society does?”… or “bad parents?”…. or “discrimination?” or “post apartheid fear of repression” or “oppression causing obsession leading to depression causing….” - oh Nelson, help us all!!!!!
Question is - why do we need to carry guns, and if we do, then are the people carrying them responsible enough to use them responsibly?
The Government don’t like the idea of anyone having guns anymore (probably including the Police - but that’s another matter).
Anyway - here’s some figures to help the debate…
It’s official- 98% of the firearms in South Africa are illegally owned (i.e. - probably used for illegal purposes, “Objection, your honour” I hear another cash-grabbing lawyer shouting)
The governments solution to the problem? - penalise the 2% of honest hard-working tax-paying law-abiding citizens who own legitimate firearms for personal protection (God forbid!)
So - is it a good idea to own a firearm? - it depends on how much you value you and your families lives - and also where you live.
I must admit, living in Mossel Bay, I have little need for personal protection within the confines of my gated complex on the Golf Estate - and when I do choose to venture out, I have a little ‘asthma pump’ sized C7 pepper spray canister in my pocket incase anyone gets a bit rowdy - but it’s not like Joburg where you can get a gun in your face if you pull up at the robot to buy a newspaper at midday on a Sunday.
Saying that, I did live in Joburg once upon a time - and I did own my very own gun - and I make no excuses for saying it made me feel as cool as Clint Eastwood
Now I’ve probably precluded myself from ever obtaining a license for a firearm ever again by admitting that (mind you, it was a .357 IMI Desert Eagle - so even the cops might agree it’s a cool gun) - But since the firearms amendment act of, when was it? the first was in 2000 or so, then according to Wiki there was an amendment in 2006 (and we’re talking about pretty much the opposite of the 2nd amendment in the U.S.) - you are basically prohibited from owning a firearm full-stop - even if you’re a cop!!!!
I am asking myself, did this law, or ‘amendment’ to the constitution or whatever, really work?
Since it came in, gun crime has gone ballistic (pardon the pun). There are more gun related crimes in South Africa today than ever before - and guess what - despite the ‘clamp down’ - 98% of the gun crimes were carried out with unlicensed firearms!!! (I think I mentioned the 98% figure earlier - there’s a shock!)
Now I have done my best to embrace South African culture, and to fight the corner of the ‘New South Africa’ - but there really does have to come a time when we have to re-evaluate.
What’s next? are they going to deem armed response unconstitutional? - how about burglar alarms? will they be the next victim of the affirmative-action brigade? - “If they don’t have them in Soweto, why do they need them in Sandton?”
I can see it coming….
Anyway, I don’t want to be a negative-Nancy - I’m living the life of Riley here in Mossel Bay with my wife and kids (probably on Zuma’s assasination-list now after writing this…) - but you catch my drift?
I remember the days when the police in Soweto had to hand in their firearms on Friday afternoon’s before going off duty because there were too many shootings in the shebeens at weekends resulting from incidents as life threatening as someone knocking over a quart of Black Label or accidentally stepping on a neighbours chicken….
Maybe we do need to keep track of legal weapons - but lets put the emphasis on illegal ones first hey?
Here’s the governments plan - take every gun off every civilian to make the place safer - then someone poisons your dog, slides the patio door off it’s hinges, and starts creeping down the corridor towards your daughter’s bedroom - all you have to do is dial 999, or is it 911, or 10118, or what is it? - but for goodness sake, if you do finally get the right number, and hold long enough to get an emergency operator who can understand you, don’t shoot the poor intruder - he’s only looking to rape and steal - you should be ashamed of yourself trying to defend your family - the poor bloke was only doing what comes natural… or is it not what comes natural? or is it the product of apartheid? or homelessness? or no job? - oh here we go again…
Whatever it is, I have to be honest - I’m happier behind the big walls and electric fences with the very guys guarding me who apparently hate me (according to the propaganda). If the truth is known, I don’t think they do hate me - I certainly don’t hate them - and if they DO hate me, they do a pretty good job of disguising it.
What was it that our deputy president said apart from “bring me my machine gun” (which sounds quite cool anyway, in a Mafia style ‘Don Corleone’ way) - wasn’t it “One Boer - One Bullet?” - maybe I got the wrong end of the stick, but that sounded pretty racist.
Anyways, “Viva South Africa” - if there ever were another war involving South Africa, I’m sure Zuma would be true to his word and stick by his comrades in the fight for truth and reconciliation and be right there on the front line (yeah right!!!!)… EISH !!!!
What the heck has your pancreas got to do with alcohol? (or Mossel Bay, I hear you say - but there are a few drunks in Mossel Bay (not that I’m one of them) - anyway it’s my blog, so I’ll say what I want - and you can reply if you like!)
It’s purpose is mainly, as I understand, to make protein out of fat and sugar, or something like that (I’m no doctor, so don’t quote me on that). But why oh why can’t it just mind it’s own business and leave the alcohol for the liver to sort out?
Just like an irritating younger brother (I don’t mean you, James, if you are reading this) – it always wants a slice of the action.
The worst of it is, unlike the quiet and unassuming liver that just gets on with it’s job, if your pancreas gets a bit stressed, it lets you know – and boy oh boy does it ever!!!
If any of you guys out there want to out-do your wives when they talk about the pains of child birth, just drink two or three bottles of Smirnoff a day for six months… Apart from the obviously fantastic time you will have had, with any luck you’ll be able to show them that they’re not the only ones who can double up in agony and cry like a Michael Jackson who’s just had his pre-teen repossessed.
To summarise - In the absence of a quick spike of heroine (or 200mg’s of codeine phosphate if your local chemist won’t give you the methadone), an angry pancreas can be a force to be reckoned with - all of a sudden you can’t cough, roll over in bed, or even run the 800 metres hurdle without it feeling like someone’s “torn you a new one” in the left side of your rib cage.
Worse still, it’s not like a cold – it doesn’t just go by itself after a few days of bed rest – you need to actually stop drinking AND eating.
Now the stopping drinking part is hard enough – but once you’ve mastered that, you realize that whilst beforehand, not eating was a prerequisite of serious drinking, it now turns all arse-about-face – you stop drinking, and suddenly you have the appetite of an Ethiopean
a brief aside… What do you call an ethiopian that swallows an acorn …. pregnant.
Where is the most populated place in Ethiopia …. wherever the wind blows.
What do you call it when an ethiopian pukes …. feast time.
What is the fastest moving thing in ethiopia …. a chicken.
What is the second fastest thing in Ethiopia …. An Ethiopian
Where do Ethiopians sleep …. in hose-pipes.
Why do Ethiopians jump around in the shower ….. to get wet
Why do Ethiopians bath with their arms out….. so they don’t go down the drain.
… Sorry - those weren’t my jokes…
Things that you never before thought edible seem like forbidden fruit – forget the donner kebab or the chicken curry and peshwari naan – even a yoghurt and chopped apple is off the menu if you have pancreatitis – well that’s what the doctors say anyway.
An old friend of mine said (and this is the truth) – regarding drinking and your internal organs – his philosophy was “Take care of the old strawberry (heart) and your liver will look after itself. Keep chucking the piss at it, and if you wake up one morning looking like a Chinaman, lay off the sauce for a couple of days and you’ll be brand new”… can’t beat the English ‘gung-ho’ attitude (what does ‘gung-ho’ mean? I’ll look that up later).
Another nice one – “If I knew I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself…”
Anyway to cut a long story short, if you do get pancreatitis (check my spelling) - you are not supposed to eat or drink for about like ten days or something because it puts stress on poor little pancy-wanky – so you need to go to hospital and get an intravenous drip stabbed into your arm to fire saline water directly into your brain to fry the alcohol cells and make you into a vegetarian anti-booze / anti-smoking green peace CND activist campaigner…
Nice
Final chapter – and a synopsis for those who want to flick to the end and see what happens without going though all the gory medical details…
Should we all stop drinking? – I don’t think so – but ultimately it’s your choice.
See you down the boozer early doors – first round on me.
According to many sources, (including, if a little unsurprisingly, the official Mossel Bay Tourist Board web site) Mossel Bay enjoys the mildest all year round climate in the World, second only to Hawaii. This claim is also supported by Mossel Bay’s very own Wikipedia entry:–
“According to the Guinness Book of World Records, Mossel Bay has the second mildest all-year climate in the world. The first is Hawaii. The weather station at Cape St. Blaize has the following climate records:
Jan max: 23.5°C (min: 18.2°C), Aug max: 18.3°C (min: 11.3°C); annual precipitation: 426 mm
The town also boasts the only north-facing beach in Southern Africa. ”
Well I’ve lived here for the best part of four years now, and I still haven’t found a Guinness Book of Records entry that even mentions Mossel Bay. And as for the north facing beach bit… can you imagine… “Ag please Daddy, we don’t want to go to Sun City this year… no Mommy, Hermanus is boring…, no please don’t take us to St. Lucia this year… we want to go to Mossel Bay, it’s got a north facing beach…”
Mossel Bay is a place of extremes. We’re not talking about extremes like comparing Death Valley to some ice plateau in Antarctica – but nonetheless, from personal experience, Mossel Bay is either very hot or very cold. It’s also very windy.
As I’m rattling away on the keyboard, I realise I’m telling a lie – I have known Mossel Bay to be in-between – almost ‘pleasant’ if you like, but it’s always very windy.
Quite how the claim to fame regarding the second best climate in the World was born is open to debate, but I have a shrewd suspicion it was something to do with one of the many property developers who have invested in the area (’invested’ being a euphemism for turning vast expanses of boring old sand dunes and natural coastal forest areas into beautiful 20 storey hotel complexes and shopping malls which are really busy for about one month out of every twelve).
Unlike the rest of South Africa, Mossel Bay does not have a housing problem. The ‘developers’ solved this problem for the locals – Here is one for the ‘Guiness Book of World Records’ – and it’s probably true - Mossel Bay is the only town in South Africa that has more houses than there are people to live in them. OK, so ninety percent of them are empty for ninety percent of the year, and, like the rest of South Africa, the townships are full to bursting point – but that’s Africa I guess.
Saying that, on the face of it, there is very little civil unrest in Mossel Bay. Maybe that’s because, apart from there being more houses than people, there are also more cops than robbers – which is self evident when you walk down Marsh Street (the main drag) out of season – for every local car driving by, you will see two traffic department city golf’s going by – unless it’s between 12 to 12.30pm or 7 to 7.30pm which is break time, and they all race back to HQ, lights flashing, for their lunch boxes.
The proliferation of housing developments hasn’t seemed to solve the ‘homeless’ problem in Mossel Bay.
Despite the best efforts of Methodists, Baptists, evangelists and the Flying Squad, the homeless people here in ‘the bay’ still choose to be homeless – you can lead a horse to water etc.
A paramedic friend of mine told me recently of a case where he was called out with the ambulance to a homeless person who had fallen over, blind drunk, and clunked his head on the pavement. After loading him on the stretcher and arriving at the local government / municipal hospital, the drunk suddenly ‘woke up’ and told them “I’m not staying here – I’m going to Bay View” (quite a prestigious private hospital with a legitimate claim to fame as having the second best view of any ICU – but that’s another story) – anyway, the old hobo proceeded to pull out some ‘gold medical cover’ card which, on closer inspection, turned out to be genuine – so he was shipped off to Bay View around the corner.
This homeless guy’s monthly medical insurance was, by all accounts, approaching the average monthly wage in Mossel Bay – but the guy chose to sleep on the street rather than rent a flat with a sea-view.
Incidentally, Mossel Bay is surrounded by sea – so, unlike most other areas in the country if not the World, flat’s WITHOUT a sea view are rarer and thus more expensive – so if you want to impress someone at the golf club, tell them you don’t got a sea view, and they will think you’re loaded.
Re the homeless guy – I don’t actually know him, but I hear he does have a better than average cardboard box, and his dog gets a shampoo and groom every week… still not my idea of fun though.
